Day one of my solo parenting got off to a rocky start. Not long after my wife had left did I experience a diaper malfunction that left me, the sofa, and the hallway drenched in urine. But I kept my wits about me, bounced back quickly and still had a good day.

The next morning, I set out to walk one of our two dogs before my wife started her commute for the second day. Little did I know that the intense rain from the previous evening had caused the newly spread dirt at the house under construction two doors down to flow across the sidewalk creating a mudslide. I approached walking briskly and as my lead sandal-wearing foot entered the mud, I immediately started a slide. That helpless feeling came over me as I knew there was nothing I could do in that split second to keep myself upright and off the cold, wet ground. My butt hit the concrete and my left forearm took an impact to prevent the rest of my body from slamming down. I slowly got up, arms, legs, and back covered in thick mud. My dog’s paws were also caked in the soil. Feeling a bit ego-bruised, I made the walk back to my house and from the entryway called to my wife to bring a towel. When she realized what happened, she sought to comfort me, ensuring I was physically ok, and also tried to hold back laughter (which I understand as I looked ridiculous). After bathing the dog, I stepped into the shower myself, fully clothed to wash off the dirt. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured.

About an hour later, I began to feel a wave of emotions thinking back on the event. I started to think about the couple of times my mother had pretty serious falls. It made me wonder if she was sending me a message. Perhaps she was behind this minor incident, trying to get my attention. But what was she telling me? Probably to slow down. It’s only day two of this new paradigm and I don’t need to have everything figured out from our schedule to my productivity. There are a lot of spinning plates in the air that need attention to maintain momentum and prevent from falling and shattering. But I need to have grace with myself and focus on being a great dad and address the other details when I’m ready.

These are the only two minor setbacks from the first ten days of being H.D.I.C. and I’ve had many more moments of intense gratitude for this opportunity. Having my daughter flash her smile and hold my hand are feelings second to none. I’ve really felt a strong sense of purpose that I haven’t experienced in a long time, perhaps ever. I’m loving being a dad.

So long for now.

-Felix

For me, writing is a way to discover what I think, to challenge an idea, and to tell stories I might not be vulnerable enough to verbalize. I don’t question the value of the practice of writing, but I do ask whether my writing is valuable to anyone else.

Can I write about a complex subject and educate a reader through facts, stories, and approachable prose? Or am I better suited to bring an audience through an imagined world by telling tales and constructing characters?

Writing is a broad categorization of a vast number of skills with innumerable motivations driving it. I wonder what makes someone who writes a bona fide “writer?” When does one assume that title? I have written many words for public consumption and others for private reflection, but I don’t see myself as a writer….yet….

So long for now.

-Felix

1. My wife. She brings out the best in me and has shown me a love that I never thought possible. She is so kind, sweet, and supportive. I admire her hard-working attitude and passion for helping others. My wife continues to impress me every day as she grows into motherhood.

2. My daughter. I am grateful to be a dad and to be able to share a new love. Being a father has given me a new perspective on life. Priorities have changed and I’m focused on how I can shower my daughter with love and give her the best life possible.

3. The time spent with my mom. I am grateful for the 33+ years I had with my mom. We had a great relationship and we shared countless joyous memories. She was my biggest fan and encouraged me at every turn in life. I’m grateful that she was able to see me get married to the love of my life. With all of that said, I still wish she had been there to see me become a dad.

Those are three incredibly important people in my life and who I am the most grateful for.

So long for now.

Felix

An installment of the podcast I annually await is the goals episode (actually found on The Trap Draw feed, a separate feed published by NLU). During the goals episode, the guys Soly, TC, D.J, Neil, and Randy grade their goals from the prior year and put forward new targets for the upcoming twelve months. In addition, they collectively decide on a word for the New Year that encompasses the overall vibes towards which they’ll strive. For example, this year, the group boldly chose “The Year of Reaping.” After acknowledging the many years of metaphorically sowing and tending to the seeds they’ve planted, the guys want to reap this year. It’s time for them to harvest some of the great bounty that’s been growing. This brings me to why I’m writing this post — I want to coin my own “Year of….” that describes my goals and direction for 2024.

I started workshopping a few ideas. An obvious choice might be the Year of Fatherhood, or the Year of Parenting. Even though this is a huge part of my life as a new dad, it doesn’t feel quite right. I thought about the Year of Opportunity or the Year of Building. But in the end, I decided that 2024 will be the Year of Action for me. I’ve written in the past about my tendency to overthink and overanalyze to the point of idleness. This year, in 2024, I want to be intentional about choosing action including shipping my written work (even if it’s not perfect) and defaulting to movement over intellectual scrutiny. At the end of the year, I’ll come back with a recap of my actions and set a new objective.

Thank you to the entire No Laying Up team for all of the great content you create and the inspiration for this post.

So long for now.

Felix

Love seems like it would be easy to write about. It’s a ubiquitous emotion and it’s talked about a lot. We aim to find it, feel it, receive it, give it. But to me, love hasn’t been a simple, straightforward concept. I don’t think I have had, until recently, the emotional intelligence or the proper level of introspection combined with psychology-studied tools to adequately understand my perception of love. I have certainly felt love from my mom, from my wife, and maybe others, and I’ve tried to show love to those I care deeply about, but I have had a complicated intellectual struggle with the idea at times of unconditional love especially as it relates to myself.

In the past, I had very long internal conversations debating whether I was deserving of love, what level of success I needed to attain, or who I had to be to earn love. I sought validation for my achievements and accomplishments and wrongly assumed that they were the source of the love I received. I thought that while I could receive some love as a result of being a decent human, no one could fully love me until I had undoubtedly made my way in the world, on my own, while blasting through others’ expectations. Materialistic success, moral success, and intellectual prowess were necessary, I thought.

Having said all of this, I didn’t intentionally withhold giving love to others until they met similar expectations as those I had for myself. In a sense, I had a double standard. I thought I needed to earn love in this convoluted way, but didn’t think other people necessarily needed to.

So what’s changed you ask? Well, fatherhood has brought with it a change in perspective and a deeper self-analysis. I want to be more kind to myself. I have challenged myself to acknowledge that love need not be earned. It’s easier for me to internalize this as I look at my daughter. I feel such a deep love for her and she can’t do anything at all for herself. She doesn’t say anything yet, do anything, and needs a lot from me. But despite that, I love her dearly. She will never need to do anything to deserve my love. She will always have it and I hope she knows that.

So if I feel this way about my daughter, I know that I must accept that I too am loved regardless of the pressures I put on myself. I’m not fully “there” yet, but I am pleased with the progress I have made. I believe that one day it will click for good.

So long for now.

Felix

The bookstore is probably my favorite place to go in our city. I stroll amongst the shelves probably weekly on average. Maybe every other time I’ll buy a book or two. I like being in the presence of books both at the store and in my home. When I’m working, I like my desk to have two or three books resting open or bookmarked. They might be relevant to the work I’m doing, or not. It doesn’t much matter to me. I just like them around.

I’m sure there will be countless more trips to the bookstore with my daughter. I’ll have to hope that she enjoys the excitement of a new book as much as I do.

So long for now.

Felix

The following are some feelings and thoughts one year later detailing what I’ve learned about life and myself. The grieving process has not been linear for me. I have asked more questions than I have received answers to and explored feelings previously left unchallenged.

I was hit with a realization of the fragility of life. A loved one can be here having dinner one day and gone forever the next. I don’t think I ever took my time or relationship with my mother for granted, but I have been more intentional about expressing my love and feelings to those close to me. I don’t want to leave strong thoughts left unsaid.

I have been fortunate to enter fatherhood this year and that has brought a new perspective as I begin to relate to my mom as a parent myself. My own childhood memories have been up for review as I work to figure out who I am as a dad. My values and inclinations are strongly influenced by those my mother represented and held dear. She parented with love, kindness, respect, and wisdom.

I have thought more about how to use my skills to help others. My mom was selfless and an advocate for those who needed a guiding hand. As a nurse, she humanized medical situations instead of medicalizing humans. I experienced this firsthand when I had acute appendicitis that required surgery. She managed the situation from start to finish. That was the first time I saw her in her element at work and I gained a respect for the contribution she clearly made to many patients lives at incredibly vulnerable times.

There’s so much more to say about the woman I called “ma.” I was an only child with a father who traveled a lot, so we spent a lot of quality time together. There were many car rides to sports practices, grocery stores, and hairdressers where we developed inside jokes or pondered the wonders of life. She supported my aspirations and activities and took an active role when needed. I knew my mom was a parent deserving of my respect, but also that she was my biggest ally.

It hurts to not be able to call her after a long day to commiserate or to share good news and hear about her latest project. I wish for another day at the kitchen island piecing together a jigsaw puzzle or teaming up to put dinner on the table for our family. I still feel like when I walk past the magnolia tree at the corner of her yard I’ll catch a glimpse of her on the front porch. I know she’s not there, but if she was she’d tell me to pull up a seat next to the dog and enjoy the setting sun. We shared many of these porch moments together over the last few years and I’m thankful for every one of them.

I love you, ma.

So long for now.

Felix

Indeed, the time goes by so quickly. It seems like the days are long, but the weeks are short. She changes so much even day to day. Her facial features continue to fill out and she’s continuing to express her cute personality more and more.

I feel more and more comfortable that I’m capable of being a good dad. I think I’ve done well at managing uncertainty and keeping my anxiety in check. Even through the long nights where sleep is fleeting, I’ve strived to not be impatient.

I have truly enjoyed these last few weeks. I feel so much love for her and want to keep bettering myself so that she has a dad to be proud of one day.

So long for now.

Felix

It gets me thinking about things that initially bring wonder but quickly lose their luster as we become conditioned to their existence. Of course an example might be the gigantic airplanes that fly people across the country all the time connecting parts of the world in ways that are unfathomable without the modern machines. So many technologies I can easily take for granted.

One other lesson to learn here is to stop and smell the roses. Admire the beauty and the functional excellence of the world more often. It’s incredible what humans have accomplished in many arenas not limited to manufacturing, art, and physical activity achievement. It’s also magnificent how plants and animals survive, adapt, and flourish in the wild. It’s a shame not to notice.

So long for now.

Felix

I still want to hit an average of one post per day, but now with a different intention. I don’t always want to reflect on the last few hours and try to find a deeper meaning that may not be there. Sometimes vomit is just vomit and there aren’t profound parenting lessons to learn!

I also need more time on some posts to thoroughly research, write, and edit my thoughts on the topic. So much of what I’m reading in parenting books has provided great thinking springboards. But I can’t always come up with a pithy story in the moment. It may need to marinate in my drafts for a couple of days.

Lastly, I have foregone my handwritten pages since the baby was born. I have told myself that it’s too hard to do right now. I’m too busy, too tired, and too focused on the baby. But that excuse-making stops today. I need the 30 minutes of writing morning pages. It’s not an option. I have the support to make this happen and I just need to prioritize it. As I write here on the computer at my desk, my daughter is fast asleep in a carrier against my chest. So if I can do this typing, I can also write three pages of longhand stream of consciousness. I can, I will, and I must.

So long for now.

Felix

I started with a subfolder labeled as my birth. I’ve seen many of these photos before, but I previously never spent longer than a second on them as I punched the arrow key advancing through them rapidly. But looking at them this time was a bit different. I now have a perspective that I lacked until I experienced the birth of a child firsthand. I now stop at the photos of my mom staring at me as I’m swaddled for the first time in the hospital blankets and I recognize the emotion on her face. It’s a feeling of wonder, awe, and of course love.

Other digital folders are filled with images from first bath times, messy meals in high chairs, outdoor activities, and many other average everyday moments. But what makes the moments special to me as I look at them is who I shared them with. This includes many people who have long since been gone from the physical world from grandparents, aunts, and uncles, to family friends. It’s really special to see them engaging with me and experiencing life together.

Well, that’s my short trip down memory lane.

So long for now.

Felix

One of the 13 things from this parenting book that I want to write about is “They don’t allow fear to dictate their choices.” Why this particular concept? When I first read the chapter title and some examples of this playing out in the context of parenting, I could imagine how some of my proclivities and anxious tendencies could manifest into a fear-based parenting approach without intentional management.

For example, I think it would be very easy to transfer my own fears to my child even without consciously doing so. I don’t want my anxieties to needlessly become anxieties for my daughter. I do want her to be able to independently problem solve and navigate situations without me swooping in to protect her from failure or low stakes harm. I do believe there are certain obstacles and difficulties in life that we must all go through to develop skills and practice resilience.

This fear-based parenting trap is something I want to keep my eye on so that I don’t fall into some of these bad practices. I don’t think I’m at any risk of being under-protective, so it’s the other side of the continuum that I must manage. I’ll share more thoughts on Morin’s book soon.

So long for now.

Felix

This brings me to some thoughts about starting up some physical fitness habits. Before the baby, I was reading the book Outlive by doctor, podcast host, and writer Peter Attia. The part of the book that resonated with me most as I was preparing for fatherhood was the idea of being proactive in preparing for the life one wants to live (quality of life) many years or decades in the future. For example, if as an 80-year-old, I want to be able to pick up my grandkids and take a short hike, I would need to function as a much younger man through physical training and fitness in the years and decades leading up to the octagenarian decade.

Peter advocates having very specific quality-of-life goals in mind and working backward from those to build an appropriate regimen. A further observation here is that in some ways, one must overprepare and overtrain to account for the inevitable natural decline and degradation of aging.

Over the next few weeks, I want to create a list of goals for myself both fitness and nutrition to build a plan. As I create these, I plan to share them in case it may help other new parents in goal setting and training tactics.

So long for now.

Felix

She has started to smile more often and seemingly with more focus or intent. And the most appealing object to her is the ceiling fan. She stares at that thing with awe and wonder. Get yourself a person who looks at you like my daughter looks at that fan!

The dogs continue to adjust as well. Today we had some rain which is always more difficult because they tend to be needy when the weather is bad. But overall, it was very manageable.

Lastly, I’ve been thinking more about how I might get my writing in front of more people. I don’t necessarily need this to have a huge audience, but I do think that it’s something that I as a new father would want to read, so I want to try to find that group of people who would benefit from reading my experiences and hopefully engage in conversations thus building a small community. More to come on this.

So long for now.

Felix

This season was really special bringing home our baby. It was certainly different than in years past with much fewer hours of sleep, more dirty diapers, and vomit-stained clothes. But it was worth it.

So long for now.

Felix

It all happens so fast! Before I know it, she’ll be crawling around and pulling herself up on two feet. Then it’s a short hop to her asking for the car keys to drive her friends to get ice cream.

We had a nice day today visiting with my cousins and celebrating the New Year. This was our first get-together with a baby in the family. I don’t have any siblings, and I am the first of my cousins to have a child. So my daughter is the start of a new generation. It was so special to have her there and to see my cousins light up with love as they held her. Not even her spitting up and then peeing on me while I changed her diaper could dampen the mood.

So long for now.

Felix

It’s New Year’s Eve and the pops and bangs have been resonating through the air since 7pm. If you must celebrate with these ridiculous explosive projectiles, at least have the courtesy to contain them to a short timespan around midnight and be done with it.

The fireworks haven’t bothered my newborn fortunately, but my anxiety-riddled dogs are certainly having a bad time. Even highly medicated with calming music playing, they are constantly startled and panting at these unknown thunderous booms. When a momentary respite of quiet falls upon us, I lower my guard and even I’m jarred when the fireworks kick up again.

I just don’t really see the point of these displays. I’ve never been more than mildly amused after witnessing a fireworks show. And given the negative externalities from injuries to participants, unwanted noise pollution, and scattered trash, the math doesn’t add up to me as to how we still forge ahead with this tradition.

One more firsthand story…I was pretty young at the time, probably single digit in years accumulated. My family went to a fireworks show I think celebrating the Fourth of July, not New Years. We watched the show from the shoreline of a large lake on this warm evening. The skies were clear, but as darkness filled the sky, the winds kicked up and began gusting strongly towards the crowd. After the fireworks show was over, we packed up our terribly uncomfortable folding chairs and marched to our parked vehicles. As we walked what looked like black ash was falling from the sky. The wind was blowing remnants from the fireworks hundreds of feet towards the fleeing patrons. Some of the burned debris was still lit, so there were embers floating down to the ground. As we reached our cars, my grandfather was horrified when he approached his convertible corvette. Some of these hot embers had ended up on the fabric top of the sports car and left permanent burn marks. Needless to say, he was not happy.

Not that anyone cares, but I propose a motion to society that we end fireworks for good. I’m open to any and all suggestions for replacement entertainment. Who seconds my motion?

So long for now. (Thanks for enduring my rant).

Felix

I think 2023 may have been the most volatile year of my nearly three and half decades on this planet. January was the month I lost my mother and December I held my daughter for the first time. The fragility of life and the miraculous nature of life were both heightened experiences for me. Fortunately, I have been learning tools through consistent talk therapy sessions this year and reading lots of relevant material to better cope with the ups and downs of life without experiencing crippling anxiety and debilitating depression.

I started to write consistently for the first time in 2023 also. I’ve found it to be so valuable as a tool for thinking clearly and an outlet for thoughts that would historically bounce around in my head with no resolution. I want to keep writing. The question I have to still answer is whether that writing can be part of my money earning career.

2024 will be a year of many firsts as a young family. I want to experience them with optimism, hope, and clear intention. And I want to be accountable to this through my writing. I continue to learn that the unexpected will happen and that I need only be prepared to respond thoughtfully and responsibly instead of trying to predict every outcome ahead of time. I hope there will be many memories made and stories to share in 2024.

So long for now.

Felix

A few days ago I mentioned that I listened to a podcast with Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of the book, Good Inside. I connected so deeply with many of the stories and strategies she discussed with host, Ryan Holiday that I wanted to read the full book sooner rather than later.

So over the past couple of days I’ve started to dig in. To be honest, the reading is going a bit slower than normal given the responsibility and attention needed by our newborn. But I’ll get through it!

I’m only a couple chapters in and I already have many takeaways and tactics that I want to incorporate into my parenting philosophy.

Kennedy starts with the most basic foundation, reminding us that inherently “we are all good inside.” And she makes a distinction between the person and the behavior. This again is similar to the concept of not confusing identity with external factors or circumstance. Let me give some examples here…One that I have struggled with in the past is feeling like I, Felix am a failure when I would get a poor grade on a test or wouldn’t get the job offer after an interview. The right way to talk to myself about this is to remember that I am not a failure, rather, the outcome may not be the one I wanted, but I worked hard and I can make a strong attempt again in the future. And most importantly, I am a good person, or as Kennedy would say, I am good inside. My identity is not affected by these things.

Applying this distinction of identity versus behavior to parenting is critically important. She says that parents should remember when things aren’t going well that our child is a good kid having a bad time. This helps to reframe both the situation and the appropriate response. Say a young child hits his brother (maybe a disagreement about the possession of a toy), the parent’s response is very different if they see the situation as the child is mean and bad versus the child is good but also having a bad time. In the first interpretation, the response might be a timeout in another room to discipline the child in an attempt to correct the behavior. Whereas if the parent takes the opportunity to step back and attempt to understand why the child is having a bad time, they might realize an underlying fear and that isolation as punishment may be making it worse in the long run. It’s not to say that consequences for bad behavior are not warranted, but rather to be thoughtful about fully understanding the situation to ensure corrective action or boundaries are both effective and helpful to the child’s development.

This is just the first of many concepts I’ve connected with in Good Inside, and I’m sure I’ll want to write about more in the coming days.

Seeing Family

We took a road trip (about an hour’s drive) to see some of my wife’s family. Our niece and nephews were pumped to meet their new baby cousin. The kiddos are all under the age of 7.

When we arrived, they were all so excited to see her. They had matching shirts on with “Cousin Crew” prominently on the front and even had a onesie for our daughter to wear for the visit. They each took turns holding her and taking a few pictures to remember the moment.

It was so sweet to see the love they already had for their cousin. She’s going to have such a great support system and family to make memories with for years to come!

So long for now.

Felix

I think my wife and I are getting into more of a routine so that we each can get periods of rest to recharge. Remember when I wrote the post about people saying how sleep is going to be precious and I’m scarce quantity? Well, that’s proven to be true. I think the last couple of days my body has adjusted a bit more to being able to sleep an hour or two at a time. I was never a napping kinda guy previously so it’s a bit of a change for my sleep structure.

Lastly, she continues to be a champ in the car. She sleeps well and has been really calm on each of our adventures. Let’s hope that continues!

So long for now.

Felix