This morning I woke up (well actually I stayed up until after midnight taking my shift of baby watching) and told my daughter “Merry Christmas” for the first time! This is definitely my most grateful Christmas but it has been mixed with emotions of sadness and grief having to spend it without my mom.
As I walked my dogs this afternoon, we passed by the house six doors down with the towering magnolia tree on the corner. It was my mom’s house. She bought it soon after my wife and I settled in to the neighborhood to have a place to spend long stretches of time without overstaying her welcome in our home. She wanted to be close as our family expanded and as her retirement commenced. When she visited for a couple weeks at a time, sometimes with my dad in tow, we shared meals, worked in the gardens, and often sat on the front porch watching the world go by with wonder and fascination.
I’ve walked by that house many times since she died and felt a range of feelings. Things changed in some way after my dad sold the house a few months ago as it was no longer “hers.” I could no longer let my dogs pull me up the front steps, excited to see grandma. She wasn’t there. It was now someone else’s home to make memories in.
But as I walked by today, the tears came faster than they have in a while. I miss her so much, and can’t believe my daughter won’t know my mom in the way I always imagined.
Moments ago as I cradled my 309-hour old daughter (yes, annoying people relay baby ages in weeks for far too long so I’m going to one-up them and do it in hours) and walked with her through our house trying to lull her to sleep, I told her that her grandmother loved her very much. I told her that she would have been here with us to celebrate this first Christmas. I told her that she would have brought lots of gifts, too many really. I told her that she would have held her tight and kissed her forehead as she headed home early in the evening.
My daughter finally fell asleep and her peaceful expression brought me to tears again. I’m so happy she’s here.
So long for now.
-Felix