It has been a while since I wrote about one of the core values from my mom’s handwritten list. As a reminder, there were ten items: Choose Joy, Trust, Pray, Love, Laugh, Simplify, Move, Live in the Moment, Stay Connected, and Cherish Memories. I have written about seven of them in previous posts. Today, I want to tackle one that I found to be very daunting when I first started writing about these principles of life. That tenet is love.
Love seems like it would be easy to write about. It’s a ubiquitous emotion and it’s talked about a lot. We aim to find it, feel it, receive it, give it. But to me, love hasn’t been a simple, straightforward concept. I don’t think I have had, until recently, the emotional intelligence or the proper level of introspection combined with psychology-studied tools to adequately understand my perception of love. I have certainly felt love from my mom, from my wife, and maybe others, and I’ve tried to show love to those I care deeply about, but I have had a complicated intellectual struggle with the idea at times of unconditional love especially as it relates to myself.
In the past, I had very long internal conversations debating whether I was deserving of love, what level of success I needed to attain, or who I had to be to earn love. I sought validation for my achievements and accomplishments and wrongly assumed that they were the source of the love I received. I thought that while I could receive some love as a result of being a decent human, no one could fully love me until I had undoubtedly made my way in the world, on my own, while blasting through others’ expectations. Materialistic success, moral success, and intellectual prowess were necessary, I thought.
Having said all of this, I didn’t intentionally withhold giving love to others until they met similar expectations as those I had for myself. In a sense, I had a double standard. I thought I needed to earn love in this convoluted way, but didn’t think other people necessarily needed to.
So what’s changed you ask? Well, fatherhood has brought with it a change in perspective and a deeper self-analysis. I want to be more kind to myself. I have challenged myself to acknowledge that love need not be earned. It’s easier for me to internalize this as I look at my daughter. I feel such a deep love for her and she can’t do anything at all for herself. She doesn’t say anything yet, do anything, and needs a lot from me. But despite that, I love her dearly. She will never need to do anything to deserve my love. She will always have it and I hope she knows that.
So if I feel this way about my daughter, I know that I must accept that I too am loved regardless of the pressures I put on myself. I’m not fully “there” yet, but I am pleased with the progress I have made. I believe that one day it will click for good.
So long for now.
Felix